[Jessie, a boy of 16 is standing on the front porch of a suburban house in a nice neighborhood, talking on the phone.]
WILSON:
(Sleepily) Jessie? What’s going on? How can I help you?
JESSIE:
Uh… you could start by coming down to your front porch for a minute. That would be immensely helpful.
WILSON:
(Jumps out of bed) WHAT? Are …are you down there?
(Walks downstairs and opens front door to face Jessie)
WILSON:
Oh...this can’t be good. This can’t be good at all.
JESSIE:
Hey! You just said ‘how can I help you’?!
WILSON:
It’s two in the morning! And I was really just being polite. I’d really rather not be of help to you at all. I…I’m gonna go/ now.
JESSIE:
No No! Wait. Please. You know you want to know why I’m here. Don’t pretend.
WILSON:
(Considers leaving for a moment, then) Right. Well. Fine. Let’s hear it then. What’ve you done this time? And more importantly, what do you want from me?
JESSIE:
(Pretending to get offended) How about you show a little faith in me, huh? How do you know it’s something bad? I could be here to give you great news!
WILSON:
(Gives him a skeptical look)
JESSIE:
Right. Well anyway … Dolores died.
WILSON:
DIED? You did this, didn’t you? Wha...what did you do?
JESSIE:
Nothing! It was an accident.
WILSON:
Of course it was. Your old man is going to KILL you. Dude, what the hell happened?
JESSIE:
Well, you see, I was on YouTube the other day…
WILSON:
Oh no…
JESSIE:
I watched this hilarious video! It was SO funny! It was EPIC!
WILSON:
(Voice laced with sarcasm) Yeah. I bet it was. My funny bone is still tickling.
JESSIE:
There was a drunk cat doing all kinds of crazy things! It was so cool! Anyway, I thought, you know, we have a cat. Why not try it? See what it does?
WILSON:
I do not like where this is going…
JESSIE:
So I sneaked some Vodka from the dad’s liquor cabinet and switched it with her water. She came and lapped it all up. Next thing I know, she’s dropped dead. In 5 seconds. I didn’t think she’d drink it in the first place. I mean what kind of stupid cat can’t tell water from vodka?!
WILSON:
So you try to give vodka to a CAT and the cat is stupid for drinking it? Great. Nothing wrong with that. That makes perfect sense. What did you do then?
JESSIE:
When my dad walked in on the dead cat, he went berserk. He went purple and sort of started puffing up with fury. He assumed, correctly I might add, that I had something to do with it. So I told him I had nothing to do with it, suggested a couple of alternative explanations and got out of there as fast as I could…although I’m pretty sure he didn’t buy it.
WILSON:
Setting fire to the kitchen, wrecking your neighbor’s marriage, almost running your teacher over with your car…and now killing your dad’s cat. You know, I think you’ve made progress. At least you’re not endangering human lives anymore.
JESSIE:
Exactly! I mean it was just a CAT! I’m telling you, that man is ridiculously attached to the cat. It’s weird.
WILSON:
(Looks at him with exasperation) Look, buddy, your dad is a peace-loving man, a very patient man. After all, he raised you. I’m sure if you go home and explain to him exactly what happened, he’ll let you live.
JESSIE:
The peace-loving man you’re talking about would have turned into revenge-seeking psycho by now! I can’t go back there without a plan.
WILSON:
(Sighs with resignation): Fine. Fine. Come on in. We’ll think of something. By the way exactly what alternative explanations did you give him?
JESSIE:
(Laughing nonchalantly) Oh yeah, about that…I told him you might have tested one of your chemicals on him.
WILSON:
WHAT?!
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